The Story Behind this Blog
Disclaimer: As a young person in the 18-25 category who is actively participating in the dating scene, both online and in person, I see every day a real lack of authenticity and real communication present among my peers. I feel that honesty, straightforwardness and the real scary one, vulnerability, are often severely lacking in how people relate and interact with each other, even amongst long term couples. Naturally, I’d be naive to say this is not the case with older generations as well, as it seems to be a human condition, however, as a young person myself, having had a young persons experience, facing many of the same issues and present to many of the same social stimuli as other young adults, I feel that my biggest contribution in writing this blog will be to those of my generation. Having said that, if you are a reader not of this age group, I welcome you with open arms and invite you to interact with this blog just the same. Nothing about this blog is intended as advice for what YOU should do and I will never presume to know what is best for someone else’s life. Everyone must make their own choices themselves. I am simply sharing my own experiences and thoughts on authentic relationships of all kinds and my journey of creating this kind of authenticity everywhere, from interactions with strangers to those with lovers, friends and family. My hope is that through my writing, others can be inspired to take on life and pursue their journey of living life as their most authentic version.
I started Amor and More shortly before my 21st birthday, after having ended my first long term, serious relationship after 15 months together. To keep a long story short, I ended this relationship because I realised that the way in which the relationship was going no longer aligned with what I wanted for my life at this time, although I still loved this girl very much. Breaking it off was really an intuitive move, as although I put in a lot of thought and worked up a lot of anxiety about what I should do, the decision itself was one made purely in the moment, as I became present to myself and realised that there was no pull for me to continue this relationship. In that moment, it became clear that thinking of the future of this relationship no longer lit a spark within my heart, all I felt toward it was a numb dread in my guts. For me, this was a good indication that this future was not a future I wanted or could genuinely choose. The sad truth was that I realised that I had slowly been losing myself, my passion and who I wanted to be in the world while in this relationship and it was making me miserable, resentful even, and to continue to play along with this when my heart was no longer in it would be both selling out on myself, and utterly selfish, irresponsible and cruel to her. Although it seems an oxymoron to say, I broke off the relationship from a space of love and respect, equally for both of us. Neither she nor I were right or wrong, our paths simply no longer ran parallel and neither of us was willing to step onto the path of the other.
I’m not going to pretend it was easy, in fact it was certainly the hardest and most emotionally painful thing I’ve ever done, and the grieving process has been quite a rollercoaster. However, I have been clear since the second I said the words that I made the only authentic choice there was available, the only choice which was truly creating a new future full of possibilities, as much as it sucked right then. It dawned on me only as time wore on how unhappy I had been about many things in the relationship, about which I simply hadn’t said anything. I was shocked to see in hindsight how far this level of dishonesty about my feelings spread; to her, to my family and friends, and to myself, and it had cost me deeply on a personal and social level. I had allowed myself to become complacent with my truthful communication of what was going on for me, what I thought and what did and didn’t work for me. I’d done so for the sake of comfort, being nice and avoiding conflict. Each time I stepped over something, allowed things to slide, didn’t open up about how I felt, or share myself freely, each of these seemed innocent enough. However, each one cost me a piece of me, my sense of strength, my confidence, my sense of power and my connectedness with those I was inauthentic with. Bit by bit, I began to feel the effect of this in all areas of life without even consciously noticing; as I began to feel smaller as a person, more dissatisfied with my life, and feeling less able to create and express what I wanted to as a self determining and powerful individual.
It would be easy to point the finger at my ex or the relationship, I’m sure it would be very vindictively satisfying, at least temporarily. I’m pretty sure the relationship would not have survived even if I had been fully self-expressed throughout it, perhaps it would have ended sooner. However, even if that were the case, no matter how things may have gone, had I been more real in that relationship and true to myself, at the least I would have been responsible for and clear with what I was creating in the world and my life, rather than allowing myself to be the vicim of things to happening to me. At the end of the day, the only person that each of us truly can be responsible for in life, other than our children when they are young, is ourselves. The most important lesson I learned from that relationship and the one that I have committed to bring to all my relations and interactions since then, is that I and only I am responsible for being the authentic me, taking the appropriate actions in line with what I want to experience and expressing my truth and my state and what goes on for me clearly to those in my life. I also declare that I stand for the creation, expression and flourishing of deep, joyous, consensual love, of any form, within myself and with others. It is from this space of authenticity, vulnerability and love that I invite you to read this blog, digest its message, share whatever you feel is valuable to those you care about and stand for love, free expression of what is important to you and authenticity in your life, your community and our world.
Amor and More,